so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
