i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
