My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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