So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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