toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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