lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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