The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
