The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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