ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
