Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
