I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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