you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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