The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize