Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
worst night to have a conscience
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
