It's Friday. Sex?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
