Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
3 2 1 whiskey
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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