You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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