Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We are two peas in an std pod
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
