Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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