My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
