Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
