I want you more than these girls want KFC
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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