The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
