I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize