If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
