I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
