Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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