I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
