I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
