My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
