I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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