the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Randomize
