I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
