True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
3pm strippers are depressing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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