those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
