She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
