all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
