cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
wow bdsm is so cute
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
