If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
