my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize