Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
