in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
