I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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