my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
