I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
