Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
