My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
