why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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