sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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