I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
