So drunk its hurt
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
