I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I party with great urgency now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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