my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
