so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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