i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
