im drinking this country out of the recession.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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