Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
