How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
